...

2011-11-27T15:14:00.003+08:00

What is wrong with the people of today.
So irritating.

Make you feel my love

2011-11-26T13:23:00.002+08:00

It's funny how things work out. Today i awoke because my father was shouting to my brother that he can't fetch him to church. And i immediately remembered that uncle Moses asked if i could sing tomorrow for service.

So i shouted to my dad to wait for me. At practice i found out that YH is getting married and i was so happy for her. Then she asked if i could sing for her. And i turned to my brother and we both knew what song we could sing. " Make you feel my love "

I've always wanted to sing this song. It always makes me cry.

I know i've grown so much over these few months. Things i used to fuss about seem so futile. I'm really proud of myself of what i've accomplished so far. I know it's not much, but it's something. And i'm on my way out into the world. Making a name for myself.

I like to make sure i enjoy the moments in life. Our SVP was nice enough to host a beautiful luncheon with lucky draws and USS characters bumping in for entertainment. We all had a nice lunch and he gave us the rest of the day free. Which was to no use because i still left at 6.

But it felt so nice to be there, you know? To belong there, to have friends to laugh with.
Or today when i was eating carrot cake at the hawker during breakfast. I just paused to think how life is so beautiful. How everything in my life, is not perfect, but it's okay.

I think for once, i am where i am suppose to be.

You won't be on your own.

2011-11-19T08:39:00.004+08:00

It's been twice this week that i found myself lying in my bed still in my work clothes. I don't know what's gotten into me, work can't be that tiring.

I've learned to appreciate whatever time i have to myself, or with the people i love. Like on tuesdays, i stay up till 1am with Isaiah so he can watch his silly power rangers or so. You know, every day, every moment passes by instantaneously, it's horrifying.

Work has been everchanging for me too. I've two new colleagues to work with, and they both have such colorful stories to tell. I often find myself immersed in the conversation just tied up in how different people can be. Albeit the stress, it's always inspiring getting to learn from people and making new friends.

Before i end this meaningless post on a Sat morning.
I was telling my mum how stressful the 20's years are. Through this ten years, it will path the course of my life. In these ten measly years, i will make my university choice, my career path, find a husband (hopefully), have kids ( definitely).

Just so many crucial things in just ten years. I'm thankful though i have my parents to guide me through. My father is such a wise men and my mum is such an emotional one, however different, it is a perfect blend of chemistry and im grateful to be the one benefiting from it. HA

Hold on to your seats, because ten years will pass, fast.
Faster than we ever want it to pass.

2011-11-15T01:22:00.002+08:00

I'm really sad now. My hamster is dead and probably , no certainly in hamster heaven. I imagine him dancing around fully healthy with caramel eating all the hamster treats in the world. I know there is definitely a hamster heaven I'm quite certain of it. Okay now im not so sad anymore.
It just made me think about how much time has passed since I bought it with you. How much things have changed.

I made a conclusion today about that. Which I am almost as certain of as hamster heaven.
I wasn't loved, as much as I thought I was.
Rip mr speedy. If I die, I'll find someway to tap onto your heaven to say hello. Promise.

2011-11-12T18:51:00.001+08:00

2011-11-12T00:10:00.003+08:00

Everyday poses a new challenge and i find myself constantly learning, adapting to solving them and growing as a person. I enjoy work thoroughly, sometimes because it keeps my mind off things, other times because this is all so foreign to me and i'm keen on learning as much as i can.

My boss can be demanding, and i've made mistakes that were costly, but she's really nice and brought me to a big meeting today with all the big shots. After which we hanged around the museum's souvenir shop whereby she bought crazy alot of things and two rhinos and put one on my table.

Whenever it's 8pm and i'm still at work. I"ll think of that rhino and maybe it won't be that bad.

Either way, i think i'm growing or maybe, finally moving on.

2011-11-07T23:06:00.003+08:00

Since i was a little girl, i've always dreamed of how my wedding would look like. I have a box of newpaper clippings/magazine cuttings all about pretty weddings. I often go on and on about the perfectest wedding and my colleagues often remind me the hardest part about getting married is finding the right person to begin with.

I figure since i don't have that to start with i shouldn't be jumping the gun and thinking about weddings. I don't know if i will ever get to say my I do's, but i pray hard that i will.

Then i can have my perfect princess wedding with my vera wang corset gown with unimaginable long trains, white doves, cutest flower girl and glass slippers.

Not forgetting, having someone who loves me and that i can love back, that of course, is the ultimate dream come true.

2011-11-02T20:36:00.001+08:00

Don't want change

2011-10-28T08:09:00.002+08:00

The hurt is constant. In my mind it plays on, eventually fades off and as if some mean cruel person presses replay and keeps it going again and again. It's been about 5 months since that night. And when i think of it, it still hurts my every being.

14

2011-10-26T20:07:00.001+08:00

A side of love i've never known

2011-10-24T08:18:00.000+08:00

It's 8.20am. and there isn't a single soul in the office. For the next two days my Director is on leave and my colleagues put it in the funniest way ever. No government.

I think my art of running away from things can be attributed from my best friend. Not meaning to push the blame or anything. But i see her method of coping with things and often think it's easier to live life this way. The only thing is, i can't fully convince my mind to run away.

Some part, often lingers.

2011-10-23T15:47:00.003+08:00

I had you as my one and only. To me that was something. Now, not anymore.

2011-10-23T15:47:00.001+08:00

2011-10-18T07:57:00.002+08:00

It's a standstill in the office every morning. I am often the first one ( no choice because my dad fetches me ) but i like the almost calm serenity of it and i often find myself here. Talking to you. Thinking about life. Without worrying if there is a colleague behind me checking this out.

I'm slowly getting used to this lifestyle. After awhile, lunch time comes superbly fast, and before you know it's time to go home. I've been thinking so much about my future. Asking almost anyone i can about their life experiences. I'm grateful for all the advice people give me. And after which, I've made up my mind on where i want to further my studies.

Yesterday my mum told me she had a horrid dream that she was married to a lesbian. I was like what the hell? but anyway, the dream came from waking up at 4am and looking at my dad and thanking God for him.

At that age, there's no better way to name that than love.

Shadows

2011-10-17T08:10:00.002+08:00

I've never had to work so hard in my life. Although i must say that i've learned so many things this past week. It's overwhelming. The past week before the Museum's opening was insane. I enjoyed every moment of it though, we went down to the radio station and i learned how you do a live broadcast. Meetings with the M opps team and learn the anal planning of the grand opening. On the day itself, seeing Ex pm was breathtaking. I got the opp of hanging out with the two dJs and they were so sporting despite several problems.

On Sunday i drove to work ( parking is 26 bucks but got complimentary ) and went through a whole day of television commercial. You'll see it soon on Channel 5 and 8 guest starring Miss Singapore and she's super nice too and pretty!

It's been so fun getting to know people from all walks of life. Talking to my boss, i'm so appreciative of the time she takes to explain to me about things i should learn in life.

I Honestly didn't think i would get here before i started. Although my body is honestly deprived of sleep and rest. I can't wait to venture out and do all the things i can.

I'm a superwomen with an S on my chest. Yes.

2011-10-09T22:13:00.003+08:00

I've got two inspirational friends that seem to have the talent of blocking things out. Maybe their secret vampires and stuff. Okay maybe not. But i have my answer now, you know? Like i needed one.
I can do this.

男人男人 , 多希望你是好人 , 多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

Pantry please

2011-10-07T08:27:00.003+08:00

The days leading up to my birthday was indifferent for me. Work was so tiring, plus the sudden additional stress of several things. I can never underestimate how special a birthday can be.

Yesterday on the 6th of October, i realized that i was finally in my twenties. Things aren't going to magically change overnight, but everyone around me keeps telling me to hold on because in a blink of an eye, it will pass.

The first person to say Happy Birthday personally to me was my father. I think i want him to prepare like topic titles to teach me everyday. Yesterday it was about a gentle spirit. And i literally went to work with a different perspective.

People at work are so wonderful. My supervisor bought me a gift, my colleges got me lunch at hardrock hotel and the director tricked me to go into the pantry for a cake. You know another thing about stressing about work is that you don't know if you'll fit in well. I'm glad these people are so fun to work with and they make me look forward to a every busy day at work.

I had dinner with the people i love most. Of course my Bao Bei was there, who kicked up a real tantrum during dinner. But i love him all the same and he decorated a quite ugly cake for me. Ha.

I look back at the day now and i have this warm feeling of happiness glowing inside me. In my prayer during dinner, i thanked God for the wonderful people he put in my life. And between God and i , he should know that deep in my heart, i meant every word of it.

Thank you to all my lovely friends who dropped me a message. Some whom i never thought would have remembered. Thanks for all your kind wishes and love. I had a lovely birthday.

Nick says that birthdays last for a week so i'm glad we are still celebrating tonight. If anything changed, it's my perspective in life and how i want to live my life from now on.

Back to work now.

2011-10-06T08:28:00.000+08:00

20 years old. Here i come.

Twenty

2011-10-03T21:15:00.002+08:00

This is my birthday week. Once again, that good ol day when you sit back and think about your life and all your previous birthdays.

I know i'm not old, but it's my first official step into the big 2 0. I always thought my life would be more or less routed to a direction. But i'm at the crossroads. The only bright side is that i'm determined not to stay put, and whatever choice i make. I'll make without regrets.

The week started out really tough for me. I cried about a few issues. Whats new, you can call me a crybaby i'll acknowledge it. My mum says it's just a way i let out stress. Ever since i was a kid. I"ll cry at all my birthdays. Whine and kick up a fuss about lack of love, even if there was a big children's party for me.

All in all, i'm thankful for what i have. I decided for my birthday it was time i got a big girl working kind of watch. And i am appreciative (Although they say it's not evident ) of my beautiful, well deserving for every penny watch. That price is not that much if you see how long term a watch lasts.

My wishes are simple. I want my love ones around me. I want a chance to make one wish.
And like the thousands of people blowing the candle the same time i will,
I'll wish to be happy.

Breathtaking

2011-10-01T22:36:00.000+08:00

Hold still and smile, make it last forever

2011-09-29T23:08:00.002+08:00

I had a nice lunch at some fancy Italian restaurant today with my boss signing of course. I don't think i'm fit to be in those places because i didn't like the taste of the foie gras or the smoked salmon. It was a meeting with the people from SPH and we got to hear their pitch for awhile before we ran off for another meeting.

The whole time, my mum sending me pictures of the funeral. And i could literally feel my face fixated with a smile but inside i was begging to excuse myself and cry.

Life, itself is so important. And i've been taking each day as it's own. It's exciting now, when literally everyday your faced with something new to tackle with. But with more responsibility, comes higher pay( yay! ) but with more percentage of getting screwed by your boss.

This week i got to help out in a real television commercial take and it was really exciting meeting the producers, directors, cast, talents and so forth. It felt so surreal to be in funny places like a green room and seeing how a TVC is being recorded.

It's been a fun week, but plagued with sadness. That's what death does to people.
Tomorrow i'm going to wear green, apparently my mum says. It represents life.

5000

2011-09-25T23:01:00.002+08:00

There is such a fine line between everything. Love , hate. Life, death. We live life thinking we hold such power, taking pride in the things we do. When foolishly , we all fall prey to the same fate. A story my dad told me before was that on a chess set, a pawn is deemed rather useless compared to the king, who's high and mighty. But in the end, they all get thrown back into the chess box.

Everyone has a story, and like a candle we burn until God takes away the light. Tonight, was a solemn, sad night. In which we say goodbye to a much beloved family member. It's comforting to see the entire family together as one. And hope that we will meet once again.

I love you Isaiah. Always remember that.

Butterfly fly away.

2011-09-24T09:52:00.002+08:00

It's the worst way to wake up. To hear the news that someone is dead. Just like that. Dead. It didn't take long for the tears to start running. I'm still in utter disbelieve. How can this happen?

I'm sure i've heard it a thousand times. Life is precious. But it takes horrific things like this to really slap you to the fact that life is indeed precious and that it gets shorter by the minute.

It's so hard to see the point of all this. God's plan in taking people away. The whole family has been notified and i can only imagine what everybody feels right now.

Poor Isaiah. Poor boy.

2011-09-23T23:02:00.001+08:00

2011-09-22T09:37:00.000+08:00

It’s one of those mornings when you wake up to the pitter patter on the window. The palm trees outside caressing my window pane beckoning me to wake up. Still, somehow I get here. Amongst the noise, I have alittle time to type this before the work comes streaming in. My dad taught me something about confidence in the morning. Take kindly the counsel of the years the saying goes. Derata couldn’t be more right.

Work has been a joy ride. I’m very blessed to be given such caring supervisors that willingly teach me the ropes of this corporate industry. I’ve learnt so much, met CEOS and people I’ve never thought I’ll met in my life. It’s been tiring, but I’m more certain then anything to work for that A.

My results for this semester were really good. It’s the first time I attained a full 4.0 with so many distinctions with A. My mum made a comment that despite what I went through during that time, I managed to pull through the most. My parents are wonderful, constantly saying how proud they are of me. It’s the littlest things like telling my mum I love her. And hearing her saying it back. Words like these are irreplaceable.

I’ve finally settled into work. I’m in the destination marketing department taking care of events and entertainment. It’s been a fun experience going down to photoshoots, tv commercials and all. I like going out to meet clients with my boss, meeting the people she meets and eating good food. Although , it’s been a struggle trying to adapt to the culture of such a big company. I dislike briefing the creative team for work. When they find out that I need the work asap, their black faces come out and I know I’m in for a good lecture.

Anyway, an important part of work is the people and I’ve met some amazing ones. We had a fun time bonding during our dinner and dance themed party in the park. My supervisors forced me to take the Battlestar ride cylon but it was so worth it.

This Sunday is church Sunday. I’m part of a quartet and we are singing the most beautiful song I’ve yet to sing all these years. After everything, my father often says. That we have God.

With all It’s sham , drudgery and broken dreams. It is still a beautiful world. Though when all else fails, trust and hope in the lord.

2011-09-22T08:30:00.000+08:00

What was i thinking. You were a shot in the dark.

2011-09-20T11:04:00.000+08:00

Finally. 4.0

2011-09-19T09:57:00.001+08:00

i really hate what you've done to me

2011-09-18T17:56:00.002+08:00

Last night was one of the hardest for me. Forgive me if i am looking out for myself. How can i not? Those words you used, resounds in my head as clear as the night. I will never forget. Not this time, not for my sake.

It's funny, you think you find the one person you'll feel safe with. And that person turns out to be the one who hurt you the most. Sometimes till now, i pinch myself at the reality of all this. But i have no alternative, to pick up the pieces and get on with it.

2011-09-18T00:08:00.000+08:00

2011-09-15T13:59:00.001+08:00

It's always better to be in love, than missing it.

Blessing

2011-09-12T21:08:00.002+08:00

Every morning by brother and i will take a ride from my dad. We leave prompt at 7am. My brother alights not ten minutes later. And then it's just me and my dad.

I must say i'm really thankful that things turn out this way. A reason why i was so upset upon thinking i had to leave was missing out this treasured 30 minutes with my father. He has such a man persona on the outside. But the wisdom in that head of his, astounds me.

Every morning, we talk about things we usually will never talk about when he gets home. It's like this whole new relationship im forming with him, that i already did with my mum. His advice is always sound solid. And even though he might not give me the coos and ahhs my mum would, i can't live without this.

My dad often likes to explain things to me through bible stories, or simple folk stories. Stories that i will tell my children when i do have them. When they face the same problems like me.
Although he isn't perfect, often blur, quite childish and crack infinitely lame jokes. I'm can't thank God enough for this.

When i was crying, eyes swelling, with my mum making snide comments for me to just accept things. My dad recited this poem for me. How he memorized it is another matter. One that i will memorize too for the rest of my life.

The horse that came back - Week 1

2011-09-09T23:33:00.003+08:00

Nothing could have prepared me for this week. And there is just so much language can describe what i've been through. This week was my first step into the corporate world. Since we don't have to do weekly reports , i know i have to pen this down somewhere when it's time to do the final interim report.

After two days of a corporate induction, playing team building games and learning everything i could, we were dispatched to our respective departments on Wednesday. Now, my uncle who worked as a senior manager in the office got me into his department, little did i know, he would quit. What's best , the supervisor he passed me over to , quit too. So low and behold, wednesday morning came. I had no supervisor, no work, and worst of all, i was stuck in the engineering department.

Of course i couldn't stay , it was a terrible mistake, everyone who found out i was studying business gave me the same " huh, you from business one how can come here". So long story short, after ten million calls, i have to thank my LO and my teacher ms Regina chin for helping me so much. And my makeshift engineering supervisor who really pushed for HR to allow me to transfer.

Anyway, i spent wednesday, and thursday doing nothing because i couldn't do engineering work. They thankfully, allowed me to shop around, we can discounts everywhere, the company perks are amazing. Found out that we can stroll in to the themepark free and spent a few good hours enjoying the shows and rides.

Despite all the little things, I can't seem to put in words how thankful i am that everything unfolded the way it did. I cried so hard on wednesday night. But i'm so thankful i have my parents there to teach me, walk with me through this experience. That i can't have everything go my way and sometimes in life, something is bound to go wrong.

Corporate , working life, is so different. I wake up at six , and though my dad fetches me to work, i reach home at eleven and it's tiring. I've never had blisters like this before or eyebags. Having to wear heals and put on make up everyday is quite a hassle. But it's sinking in soon enough.

I've never met so many people, shake so many hands as i've did in the past year. This whole week i had something on every night and i've never understood the phrase thank God it's friday till now. Even though the weekends are packed too, at least i can wake up like 10 tomorrow.

I'm trying to pen everything down but i'm so tired. While waiting at the engineering department. I practically explored the whole place and i've now understand that everything in that place is multiplied by like a 100. They have their own cold room the most amazing array of flowers and a whole room dedicated to bake pastries. The chefs even let me into the room they hang pigs and bbq them. It was a wrong move because i smelt like bbq sauce after that.

I like taking the company bus in every day because it feels like i'm approaching the castle. Even if work is tough, i love taking pictures for tourists and seeing children at every corner laugh, play and often in pure bliss. I also love free passes and discount. discount is my new fav word.

Moving on , i guess the rest of the weeks would not be so interesting as it was this week. at least i hope there would be no more transfers.

I've been posted to a marketing segment, though i can't say. I am thankful, God answered all my prayers because you know my mind lists down things i want. Like a good boss, and he gave me a really wonderful, not expected nice boss. my own desk, lap top and phone , really nice colleagues, better free food at the formal office( though they quite stingy , limit us to one vege and two meat ).

Today i sat in a meeting about a upcoming attraction. My supervisor kept interrupting it to explain stuff to me which was so nice of her. And apparently everyone comes from ngee ann because when the client asked me where i was from i said np and she was like oh me too!

Best news is that i get to attend the grand opening of the event that cannot be mentioned. But look out for it because my department is incharge of making sure people do know. Ironically, my department is also incharge of the resident show, VDLa vie , which i watched again today, but i think would be my last time because it's getting too predictable.

em.em.em. I feel i've learnt something this week that you know, are one of those things you learn whilst growing up. The week was tough but in the end, all things work out for those who trust, and of course hope in him.

I hope that's everything.
It's a whole new ballpark for week 2.

2011-09-05T06:11:00.001+08:00

Woke up 9 minutes earlier then I'm supposed to when it hits me today is the fifth. My tummy is churning with excitement and fear. Thank you for your wishes.

Now it begins

2011-09-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

Goodbye crocodile.

2011-09-02T01:55:00.002+08:00

I left my house to chorale tonight only to have the little boy put on his slippers and trail after me , refusing to stay at home. I had no choice but to strap him behind me and drive on. At one point he had pi sai on his hand and needed tissue paper. I told him to grab it from the back but he had his seat belt on. So i had to stop at a red, unbuckle, reach out for a tissue paper, clean his nose and then drive off. In the end he took the seat belt off so that was a whole waste of effort.

I pride myself with being good with kids, but their really not easy sometimes. Especially pi sai digging ones.

I wish i could hug you and tell you everything is going to be alright, because it will. Hearing the words come out of my mouth was refreshing, instead of hearing it all the time. You'll be okay, i'll make sure of it.

2011-09-02T01:48:00.001+08:00

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times

2011-09-01T01:32:00.002+08:00

Sometimes my mind wonders off to a trip down memory lane and i start thinking of what could've been. They say when people break up, you tend to make up the conversation of the other person in your head. Often , that isn't fair. But it would be foolish to think one way, and have reality, life slap you back in the face.

Many times , the iphone allows me to delete messages that i do not want to see off pretty easily. Except this time, i've yet to. It's a constant reminder of what you could do to me, say . to hurt me. I might be a bimbo or as forrest gump would say it , stupid, but i know what love is.

Btw, forrest gump is a damn awesome show. Now playing the tune on the piano makes me want to cry.

Bank kok was everything i needed and more. God answered my prayers by sending Gladys because my shopping experience would have sucked without a companion. Other then shopping, i had my first muay thai experience and it was awesome. The knock outs and bleeding faces were entertaining but i felt sad that we were supporting them by paying to watch this.

The trip was a breeze, we went first class all the way and it was fun to live the high life for awhile. But the best part was the fun and laughter i had with my family. Teaching my parents to play poker, listening to my parents wager over the house like " i bet the house " " I bet the cars " " you can't bet my car! " kind of thing.

Hearing my father crack really lame jokes and my mum cheating all the time, plus of course my irritating brother, and not forgetting my silly cousin. There, right there, around the wooden table in the suite where we laughed , had breezers till the night ended. That's one family moment i'll keep in my heart for a long time.

Anyway, i can't begin on how much i spent in bkk. Just to say, i think i have 6 months of working clothes to last me through. My hair still stands thinking i'll have to face work soon.
I'm so afraid , i have no idea what to expect.
What i'll have to do, the obstacles i have to cross.

Now i'm on my own, standing on my own two feet.
Here's to new beginnings.

2011-08-25T13:21:00.002+08:00

Well what do you know. 30 days ago i've been crossing out my calendar and it's two more days till i get to holiday at BKK. I'm so glad Gladys is going at the very last minute. It will sure be better with someone to shop with! God answers prayers Yes!, even shopping ones!

I've done with the hard papers and tomorrow is my very last paper i'll ever have to take in poly. It's funny how this whole poly experience is coming to an end. Three years have whizzed by incredibly fast. All the friendships i've forged, lost, it's truly been a fulfilling experience.

9 weeks ago, every tuesday i told chien hui that just 9 more times till i meet her in bsf from work. I'm really excited about working. I don't know what it will bring, the opportunities i'll face or challenges. The people i'll meet. But i'm thankful, and looking forward to a change in my life. I think i need one with everything that has been going on.

Plus, speedy is going to die. My heart is just going to crack open when he does it's so sad.

On another note, Guys will never learn that doing ANYTHING behind their girlfriend's back is just wrong. I don't understand the logic. If you love someone, don't hurt them. It's just plain simple. Don't do anything that will break their hearts if they find out.

Seriously. Disgusting. And i feel so sorry for you, i wish i can call you and tell you , we have so much in common.
I just wish nobody ever , or will feel sorry for me.

2011-08-22T11:22:00.003+08:00

What is it about Men. Their seriously too dumb to function or something. I don't see the point of being in a relationship and wanting to not be in one. Then just don't, don't hurt the other party with all the sneaking around.
I hate knowing, i rather not know. And not know indefinitely. In a way it's running away, but perhaps i'm running into something way better. Exams are plummeting down stress on my shoulders and i have three more papers to go with one in an hour's time.

I just want all this to be over and finally i can embark on my life without all these stupid exams worrying me.

I've thought about it enough there is just no guy in the world that's capable of loving one girl. Maybe niles crane or mr darcy . but other then that. We , or i will be seriously foolish or living in shit load of self doubt to think so.

Hate that stupid feeling.

2011-08-19T15:10:00.004+08:00

Won't let myself be bitter because your so not worth it.

2011-08-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

2011-08-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

2011-08-17T00:14:00.000+08:00

2011-08-17T00:08:00.003+08:00

Steady waters, calm weather. If things could stay this way.

2011-08-17T00:08:00.001+08:00

I gave you everything, every part of me.

2011-08-11T22:30:00.002+08:00

The old old saying. There is nothing permanent except change.

I've finally recovered from a really horrible weak week of being sick. Food taste so good. I still want to try to cheese KFC chicken i keep seeing on the tel.

Meeting with our LO's today made things alittle more worth anticipating. I've been counting down to this and i'm left with 16 days of my poly life. Then it's over, and i'm whisked to bangkok which i've been dying to go. My mum bought 20 kg extra luggage, just for me.

Just thinking of all the shopping makes me salivate. Haha.

Some step by step, everything around me changes but it feels more surreal now. With Ch applying for a job in Maldives ( still feels like a dream ), While we were baking just now i couldn't help but think what will happen WHEN she gets the job. Thinking about the future lives we have and everything that we've gone through.

It's scary, so uncertain what the future holds. Esp at this point of time now for me. On the bright side is that at least i have something to anticipate, i know i have so much to give and i can't wait to try. But as uncertain and scary the future is, i can't wait to step full throttle into it.

One day, i won't suck so badly in driving. I won't complain when it's hot. I'll drink water daily. One day, i'll find someone who loves me, can provide for me, and magically is faithful.
One day, i'll have my tiff & co rings, two beautiful kids and lace curtains.

Change is constant. And it's coming.

As baby i would say it " 3,2,1 little Einstein, Blast off "

2011-08-09T11:19:00.000+08:00

Diamonds

2011-08-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

2011-08-08T23:46:00.003+08:00

Wherever you are, i know this is goodbye. And whatever befalls, no matter who your with in the future, i'll always remember this.

Grow stronger, wiser. Learn something h.

2011-08-08T21:07:00.001+08:00

A relationship ends because you've outgrown it. It can begin again because you, as two, can fill the new shape. I thought he was going to be in my life forever. Then i thought i was wrong. Now he's back. But this time i know what's certain: he will be gone again, and back again and again and again because nothing is permanent. Especially people. Strangers become friends. Friends become lovers. Lovers become strangers. Strangers become friends once more, and over and over.

2011-08-05T18:29:00.002+08:00

Food poisoning is the worst thing in the world. Two days of choking non stop on your puke is torture. Trips to the doctor finally landed me in the hospital. And although i was thinking, finally i get to experience a night in the hospital, the actual night itself was dreadful.

The worst part is i still don't know what it was that caused this horrible dreadful nightmare. I had jabs, drips all kinds of nonsense over me and i've never felt weaker my whole life.
I'm better now, no thanks to my dad who offered me 50 bucks to stop vomiting. It was his funny way of helping out but nothing beats a mother's touch who made the entire thing that much easier.

Anyway, food poisoning sucks. It's no joke. And it's not funny at all. Best part of it is i lost two kg in two days but other than that.

NOT FUNNY.

2011-08-03T15:39:00.000+08:00

2011-08-03T15:32:00.001+08:00

2011-08-03T15:21:00.000+08:00

2011-08-01T16:11:00.000+08:00

Say that we'll be together.

2011-07-31T18:24:00.002+08:00

It doesn't matter if the rest of the week i'm upset. Because i'm happy. If ever i spoke words that have hints of pretense in it, this had none.

I can cry. Thinking about how complicated things got. How i let my insecurities hurt me every day. How i envisaged worst case scenarios in my head. Can we just learn to trust?
Just learn to love.

I know i've grown, but a part of me will always stay the same. Still, it's been hours.
I wish i could tell what you were thinking. What deep secrets you keep in your heart. How you really felt.
But maybe if i did. I won't have the strength to take it.

I wish i could be there for you. Tell you i understand, that i missed you. And , someday you'll be okay

2011-07-31T18:22:00.001+08:00

2011-07-24T21:37:00.000+08:00

I just want somebody who's afraid of losing me.

2011-07-20T22:51:00.002+08:00

My days are so busy with school and projects, my brain is fried. I miss hanging out, with friends or just tanning by the pool. I refuse to give up reading altogether. Even though i'm tired and there really isn't much time, i spend an hour reading myself to sleep. I refuse to give it up.

Sometimes, i forget. And my days are fine, sometimes i can will it out of my head. But you know, i read somewhere. It's like a whole in your pocket. You don't notice it's there, until you reach down into your pocket, and you feel that big empty whole.

And the hurt, the pain, the tears all rushes into your heart in lightning speed. And no amount of willing, no amount of " hazel stop thinking about it " can take away the anguish i feel inside.
All the happy thoughts overthrown by reality and i feel like i'm stuck back at square one.
No , it's not funny at all. Not one bit. Not even ironic.

It just hurts.

2011-07-20T20:20:00.001+08:00

It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but you find yourself moving.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2011-07-14T22:34:00.002+08:00

Time has it's own way of whizzing by you. When your heart is broken in a million pieces it's slow and painful, but i was ticking away the boxes on my calendar today, happy to see I've come this far.

I think through this time, i've found out so much about myself that i needed to know. Every day, week , month, i learn more about what i should be doing. I must say BSF is really helpful, not trying to sound like my mother, but it is.

Life goes on, no matter what happens. My doctor said it's a road you have to take, it's up to you to choose how you want to go through it. I choose now to look forward to the positive things you know? Re pattern they say. Live everyday like it's my last kind of thing. Glass half full, life bed or roses theories.

I'll look forward to lunch with my mum. Tuesdays with Isaiah when after going through the hassle of bathing him, he smiles and kisses me on the cheek. BSF with chien as we talk about the same things every week, but at least were talking. Movies with the girls. I can envisage my datelines approaching, my exams passing. Then Bang kok for some recreational shopping, and lovely Korea.
Of course i can't wait for my internship to start. I'll enjoy reporting at 8.30 and working till the wee hours.

This year on 6 October, i turn 20. I've been counting down to the big 2 0 since i was 14 and freaked out that i only have 6 more years till this age. I can't believe, i really am 20 already. So much has happened in my life, the people i've met , loved. And i don't regret any of it.
So i look forward to this 20th. When i can celebrate in the midst of my family and friends, whom i love, and i know love me back.

So my question to you, What can be better than that?

2011-07-09T22:46:00.001+08:00

Just call me love

Death do us part

2011-07-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

It was the best thing anyone had ever said to me, and it was the best for one reason: I felt exactly the same way. The person who loved me like this was the person I loved back which can feel like an absolute miracle. It is an absolute miracle.

Two words

2011-06-19T19:37:00.002+08:00

So this will be my last post in awhile. I've decided it's time i kick myself up, stop dwelling in what has happened and look forward to the future. Cyberspace has it's way of eating in your life. And in the mean time, i just want out.

I've cried, complained, confide. I've let the thoughts run through my head a thousand times. What if, this happens. But i'm done worrying when there's absolutely no point.

So the next time i talk to you, you can expect i'm void of sadness, i've found my place in life. And the person i hope i spend it with.

And pray God, i'll be filled with happiness.

To all my lovely friends who has been there every step of the way. I love you.

Goodbye world. Goodbye.

Don't you think 19 too young to be messed with?

2011-06-16T13:53:00.005+08:00

How do i begin. Realization. Acceptance. Enough of tenets. Enough theories. My whole life i only wanted one thing. It's not some dramatic , complex wish. I just want to be happy.

I think about fulfilling that role you know? trying my best till the 15th to love you. But i think about that last phone call. I think about the man you've become, or maybe the person i am. And i think life will be harder, but so much better this way.

I don't need a good good bye, i don't need to talk things out. I just want to find some source of happiness, somewhere out there. And hold tight, like my life depended on it.

2011-06-15T14:49:00.000+08:00

Unknowingly, taking the life out of me. Making me cry and hurting my every being.

Pay the bills with our love.

2011-06-13T11:30:00.003+08:00

I often drift off to sleep thinking, imagining images in my head. And for most of my life, i've been thinking about my future, apart from what dress i'll wear at my wedding.
It's so uncertain its scary. How we'll turn out, the choices we make, and if we will live to regret them.

Who to love. E and i have been through probably everything you can think of in the book. It's been a bittersweet ride with him through this three years. I think about he being at the other side of the aisle. Smiling back at me, and if all my worries about marrying mr right would vanish.
I think of choosing sofas, arguing about money.

There's no other way to explain it. I know people probably think i'm foolish. If it hurts so much why stay linger on? But it hurts ten folds more to let go. And after everything we've been through, i still love you e.

I love you , like the first time i saw you at my door step, said HI i'm the door bitch drink two shots.

It hurts, but i love you.

2011-06-12T22:28:00.000+08:00

Please upsize one dish of happiness.

2011-06-09T22:15:00.002+08:00

So the week's almost over and i've not started studying like i said i would. The day passes by so quickly its scary. Today i'm extra cranky sometimes i don't know why. I had a nicer lunch with ch and my mum and this fish bistro that serves really nice tasting food. I don't usually eat salmon but this dish was sweet and succulent.

Today, there was so much talk about selling the house or so. I still can't grasp how expensive everything is. I found out today my parents have to fork out 3000 every month for the past 20 years just to pay mortgage for the house. I was like, WHAT? how can we afford that? And it's only a condo, how does all the rich people living in private estates afford paying for mortgage.
So new found respect to single parents who have to pay everything themselves. But sigh , thinking of how on earth my pay can jump from what it is now to what i need to have a comfortable life.

It seems impossible. There's so much worrying to do. So irritating. Which course to take in Uni, how to pull my GPA up, which uni to go, where to live, trust or not, Facility management or try my luck requesting for something else, eat the cake or not, buy that dress or not.

Worry about my exams, worry about my weight, worry about everything.

I know they say the medicine for worry in your life is to trust God.
But i have a second, practical alternative to make all your problems disappear.

One , big , mega fat truck load of cold hard cash.

But tonight i'm loving you.

2011-06-08T11:21:00.002+08:00

It's terribly hard at times like this, to point out what's good in life. Follow your heart Hazel, i heard them say. Your mind's telling you this ,but follow your heart.
I'm so easily influenced when it comes to the matter of the heart, other things i get be so stubborn at, but not this. Not when it comes to this fine line whether you can breathe or live or not.

So, i'm thankful for the three weeks of holidays, there's just never enough time to do everything i have to. But waking up in bed later than 11 feels refreshing.

I have piles of work to do, but i've a pizza in the oven, my bathing suit on and a good book i plan on finishing today. So i'm going downstairs, to get a superb tan, eat awesome pizza, and try to have the time of my life, on my own.

2011-06-06T11:21:00.000+08:00

There's some illogical part of me that still believes if you want superman to show up, first there's got to be someone worth saving.

More than distance between us

2011-06-05T20:43:00.003+08:00

If i was certain about things, maybe it would be easier. I don't know what to think anymore, how to feel. I just really want to feel happy.

2011-06-05T00:46:00.000+08:00

I'm not a fucking bitch, and i'm not going to fucking hell. I don't want to ever hear those words in my life. Ever again.

Where is your heart, when i'm not around?

2011-06-03T21:47:00.001+08:00

Today in class, i started thinking about everything the little explicit details i promised not to remember. But i couldn't, i kept willing myself to focus on the teacher's ramblings, but at that moment, after all this time, i still felt the heart ache.

I don't want to worry about the future, if i'll end up a spinster, or just being afraid of being lonely. I borrowed four books and i've already read one. I know spending your weekend reading is pretty lame, but i'll just face each day as it is. You know, try to find that whole art of depending on myself for being happy. I guess i can give that a go.

Though, i wish i could tell someone how excited i am to work at Resort world. All this time, i still didn't have my company letter, and today a guy called Marcus called me three times until i answered. He is Rw's HR, and now i have like a million forms of health checks, pay checks , criminal record checks to fill up. It's funny, we learn about going for interviews and all, but i can't help but chuckle on the bezillion questions they ask on the application form. It's hilarious.

Pray God, pray this be good.

Hopeless, helpless.

2011-06-03T00:28:00.003+08:00

I guess everyone have their own share of secrets, no matter what. We all bare on or two that we keep hidden, from the entire world. Maybe a habit, a fact, an incident, a mistake. Something that happened that we refuse to let out.

Sometimes i think my mind is of it's own. My train of thoughts can spurn from one thing to another in a second. And everything i keep to myself is in there, for me to bear. The song goes " where can you run to escape from yourself "

Practically nowhere, but you can live in denial.

Rise again

2011-06-01T22:57:00.002+08:00

It's disheartening. To hear stories like that meant for a hollywood script but it actually happening to someone so undeserving of it. You think you know someone, all this years, you think it's inked in your mind and soul who that person is. And one night, everything changes. The world engulfs you in , spits you out. And they call that , life.

The lowest point of my life, is not when someone insults me, but when i feel like it's justified. People make wrong decisions all the time. They call that , being human. But sometimes it feels like other people are doing it so much better. Maybe they have a secret manual God gave them when they were born, or a crystal ball to consult, because life is not suppose to be easy. Whoever said life is a bed of roses should go jump off a cliff.

We all make our own choices. I made one, to sacrifice all i had for one chance to be happy. To open my heart to someone out there, let my guard down. Why give someone your heart? It's like putting a gun in their hands, pointing it at yourself, and hoping to God they don't pull the trigger. Because when someone breaks your heart, you might as well wish you were dead.

I believe they call that love.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.

2011-05-31T23:32:00.001+08:00

2011-05-31T23:22:00.001+08:00

At least i wasn't the person you turned out to be. I couldn't.

Don't want to hurt anymore.

2011-05-30T23:33:00.001+08:00

I promise i'll never let go. I promise i'll wait for you no matter how hard it gets.

2011-05-29T18:02:00.001+08:00

Now we get to the part, where you truly break my heart.

I will remember you.

2011-05-28T18:33:00.003+08:00

I feel jaded, Like the past night has been totally written off. How can two people go from love to nothing overnight? When we said goodbye, this felt like it. The minute you told me i deserved someone else, i looked into your eyes and i knew what that meant. Sure, you meant it to be self sacrificial. But you were giving up, i know you were.

So leave me be, Let me cry, sleep through the afternoon. Don't call. Don't come back. Stop loving me, so one day perhaps, i'll stop loving you.

There's a reason i said i'd be happy alone. It wasn't cause i thought I'd be happy alone, it was because i thought if i loved you and then it fell apart, i might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if i learn that i need love, and then i don't have it? What if i like it and lean on it? What if i shape my life around it and then it falls apart? Can i even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends.
This? It could go on forever.

Not letting go would be living a lie.

2011-05-25T19:22:00.001+08:00

Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.

Day 9 - Just Stay

2011-05-25T12:31:00.002+08:00

Day 

Will you love me forever?

I ran out of the room yesterday, ecstatic beyond words. I did it. I'm interning at Resort World starting September for a full six months. Honestly, i don't know what's going to come out of it. I'm just happy to be able to intern at a happy place. With big candy stores and roller coaster rides. I'm excited beyond words. All glory goes to God of course , for answering my prayers, protecting and shielding me.

Isaiah is so cute, he abandoned his ipod and told me " Ah yi i'm so happy your so happy! ". And perhaps that is one of the times you know the person genuinely says it from his heart. Haha, his so cute.

But you know, life makes yet another turn. I don't know what will happen. If i'll be happy or stressed with work. What to wear, the money i'll earn. ( this is important ) and who my boss will be. It's all so exciting! I know i can work under every section head except the Casino because i'm not 21. WHICH is a bummer.

But boy am i happy enough, i have nothing to complain about. I had nothing to worry about because God took care of everything. And now just another three months, before a brand new adventure begins.

Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you.

2011-05-23T22:50:00.002+08:00

I ran down to see the mailman today. It was the exact thing i envisaged myself to do, even though i knew, i wasn't going to get anything. Sometimes when i'm alone. I realize how real things are.

How everything that happened to me, has happened. And no matter what i do, they say no man is rich enough to buy back his past. Everything feels so surreal. And moments in the day, i find myself stuck in this reality. Hurt. And really all i want to do is close my eyes and move on.
I can't imagine this is how i'll feel everyday with no news. I can't even describe it.

I woke up ten minutes before my family fetched me for dinner, and when i got in the car, as usual, my brother blasts music like nobody's business and my mum would talk like we are ten feet away. And i just sat there in a daze, looking out the window wanting to cry.

I can't put it in words. Sometimes i cry just because i know i'm not supposed to be happy.
This excruciating pain. God make it stop please. It's not even something i can touch, it's in my heart and sometimes i want to just rip it out of me so i dont' have to feel anything.
I know i'm supposed to see the value in me and be confident and all that crap. But me being pragmatic, being protective. I won't allow myself to fully believe that your still there.

That you'll never ever hurt me again.

Because if i do, and history repeats itself. Then life on it's on, is not worth living.

Day 7 - Pretty

2011-05-23T09:43:00.002+08:00

Today i have an interview to be who i always wanted to be since i was 4. Ha, it's in two hours time and i've yet to really prepare anything. I feel i've been preparing for this all my life.
Of course, i have to psych myself with some songs first, so hopefully i'll be confident enough.

Is a promise still a promise over time? A friend of mine said that once and i vaguely understood what it meant. A promise is defined as a commitment by someone. But in reality fact, a promise is an intangible word. There isn't anything solid hold on to. Just a promise.

And i don't know if i should pin all my love, joy, happiness, sadness. On one promise. A promise that when broken, would probably tear me apart.

Anyway, if i do well in this interview i'll be so happy and reward myself with an ice cream after work tonight!

Day 7 - Need

2011-05-22T01:03:00.001+08:00

Remember the times when we would kiss and say i love you.

Day 54 - Last night

2011-05-21T10:01:00.002+08:00

Rainy Saturday mornings must be God's ways of rewarding people after a tiring week. Waking up to the pitter patter on my window pane, seeing the palm trees swaying from right to left. I have translucent curtains that subtly let's the light in to my room. Flowers on the table , and a eucalyptus burning through the night. And it's so quiet.

Tho, i crawl into bed with my mum. And we spend the morning talking about life and everything else. Sometimes, i think about her not being there and even that brings a tear.

School has settled for a week. For some uncanny reason, i actually wish we had school. Right now, nothing in my life is pan out right. There is so much uncertainty so much doubt. Strangely, i feel this little spark of peace inside me. That no matter what, somehow everything is going to be okay.

Sometimes, i think about what others are going through, and i don't think i deserve to be upset. It's really devastating why life is so tragic sometimes. I can't imagine how people pull through, and yet somehow. We always do.

Peace i leave with you. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Do not be afraid.

56 - When you find you, come back to me.

2011-05-20T01:08:00.002+08:00

Life has this uncanny way of taking you in and spitting you out. If only it were true, that humans, not only vampires, have a switch to immune ourselves from all the pain in our lives. Then, i guess nobody would feel anything anymore. It sucks, having to go through what sucks , to enjoy the sun afterwards. The sun's good, but the journey sucks.

Nobody tells you, how much you'll cry, how much you will feel your heart ache. I am thankful for the friends around me, and the kind mentors God put subtlety in my life. For whom without , i can't stand today as i do.

But even after the pain and the pleasure has gone away, love still remains.
Love is patient, it is kind. Love never fails.
Love never dies.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay.

2011-05-17T20:13:00.003+08:00

After all this time, i figured you would know me better. Know what i really need, me being who i am.
But no, now i'm back to square one. I feel like a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions, and i just can't pin point how i feel.

I can't say this is what i want, but like most other things. i have no choice.

Today, i figured how i'll spend the rest of my life remembering you,
Just the way you are.

Crying off my face again.

2011-05-16T20:34:00.002+08:00

Love never dies

2011-05-14T13:57:00.000+08:00

It's all about a gameplan. Everyday i wake up, knowing what i should be doing and carry on day being exactly that. But now, it's uncertainty that fills every corner of my heart.
Not knowing what i should do, how i should act, or even what i should feel.

Is happiness really all that it is described to be? Do you risk everything you've built, all the defenses you've constructed just for a chance of happiness.

Strangely, i enjoy going to school. I'm thankful for the people God put around me in class. It's nice when none of your group members are there for a free ride. And you can see everyone putting the equal effort you do. It's really refreshing talking to someone in school who understands your background and doesn't go all "eeww" when you say God has a plan. Plus, i've finally found one person other than ch who know what phantom of the opera is. It should be a crime if you don't.

Anyway, things are slowly building up, and getting better. And hopefully, it's all uphill from here.

Ha, who am i kidding. It's just the beginning.

Remnant

2011-05-10T22:44:00.002+08:00

The buzz of finding a good Company to Intern is finally here. I heed the warning of LY telling me i'm running out of time. I still do not have a company letter infront of me. And the deadline is drawing near.

For some strange reason, i am not freaking out. I know God has a plan for me , and he knows best so i'm pretty sure i can trust that everything will turn out right. On the other hand, i shall not procrastinate any further.

Speaking of that, i'm very thankful for the people around me who are so willing to get me a job position. My first choice would be at an international trade company. I can see my cover letter and Resume on the desk of the HR manager. Aunt Kelen has to just push alittle harder for them to write back. Oh please please let me work under her.

If all else fails, i'll intern at RWS which i heard is pretty fun too. And lastly at starhub's marketing department.

So see, i have a plan. A three fold plan. A plan A , B and C. In a way, i'm superbly excited where i'll end up working for 6 months.

It can be life changing you know.

Can't cry hard enough

2011-05-09T17:41:00.002+08:00

Somedays i go on about my life feeling like, the pain would stop. One day, with the aid of time, i'll forget. And this all would be a bump on the road, something we would overcome together.

Other days, like today. I feel the entire opposite. I could think about horrid thoughts, and while paying for my food or crossing the road, i can feel my heart ache, and i squint my eyes to block it out. I can feel everything. Nothing has gone, time has no effect on a broken heart.

I've reasoned to myself, i've heard you. What logic can it be? To be burnt by fire and turn around, just to walk through it again. I can't explain days like these. I feel so moody and i take it out on my school mates. Poor hx really. Sometimes i want to tell him i'm sorry for being such a mean person. But i hope secretly he knows i don't mean to.

It's just, when the day gets tough , and the night gets lonely.
I want to say i'm getting better. I want to say i can smile, that days are brighter, that things are looking up and finally i see the light at the end of tunnel. I want to say i've put everything behind me. I want to say i'm okay.

But i can't, and i can't cry hard enough.

Am i only dreaming.

2011-05-07T23:12:00.003+08:00

It feels like it. Everything is so surreal, so hard to take in. Despite everything, i'm afraid. I'm still afraid of so many things. I picture her walking pass me. I never dreamed in a million years that would happen. But maybe that was strike three. Maybe that was my cue.

Sometimes my mind lingers onto a thought and it burns. And i close my eyes and force myself to think of something else.

I want to stop planning. Stop wondering if anything i said made sense to you. If anything we shared was real, or anything you promised would hold through. Time will tell. Time heals all the wounds that can't heal.

Right now, i'll face each day as it comes. Feel the wind in my hair and the sunlight on my face.
Thank God, that i can see.

2011-05-07T11:28:00.000+08:00

Turning Tables

2011-05-04T18:01:00.002+08:00

Today i found myself actually, laughing. It felt so good, to just laugh. I couldn't remember the last time i did. But i can't describe how relieving it felt.

They always say you have to go through the hard times, to really appreciate the good. I wished i didn't have to make the mistakes myself, wished i didn't had to see the fire and walk straight into it. But there are some things, that you really can't learn till your put to the test.

I love going to school. I'm afraid this would be jinxing it, but i like sitting in lectures, dozing off repeatedly, choosing what to wear, and talking to the people around me. Everyone else has a story and it's so interesting to listen. I like the people around me they make me feel so happy.

Sorry to disappoint you, if your out there to delight in my misery.

I actually feel quite happy.

2011-05-04T17:59:00.000+08:00

2011-05-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

Moving on is easy. It's the staying moved that's trickier.

2011-05-01T22:45:00.001+08:00

Try following your head for once, and not your heart. See where it got you.